Star Wars is one of the most beloved movie franchises of all time. The classic trilogy is a historical landmark in film. But when George Lucas decided to return to his sci-fi saga in 1999 we received a few movies that were…. Well… Absolutely terrible.
Before you brush off my claims, I beg you to search your feelings. You know it to be true: the Star Wars Prequels are awful. And yet we feel compelled to watch them (especially in the wake of Episode VII) because they are a part of the franchise.
But even a man in prison smiles every now and then. So I wanted to take some time to acknowledge the best parts about the Prequels along with the worst.
So here we go, these are the highlights of the Star Wars Prequels… Wish me luck.
The Senate Meetings
Lucas allows us to escape from the dull mindless fighting for extended sequences of people sitting in chairs talking about a bunch of political nonsense. I had never realized how rich the political intrigue of Star Wars could be. This is easily one of the highlights of the trilogy.
Throughout these films we are exposed to a large number of, albeit racist and offensive, brilliantly written characters who make a mockery of real people in our real world. Like Watto- the cheap Jewish alien on Tatooine! Haha he’s funny because he’s greedy and Jewish people are greedy.
Hayden Christensen’s Acting
While Ewan McGregor attempts a cheap imitation of his Genuinely Classy predecessor, Hayden Christensen delivers one of the most fascinating performances to date! His whiney attitude brings the character to life in the way we all hoped to see. Who needs the standard three-dimensional lead character when you can settle for an annoying one-dimensional cry baby. I always knew that before he became Vader, Anakin Skywalker was probably an emo little bitch.
Natalie Portman Phoning It In
If there is one thing I love to see more than great acting, it is great actors who stop trying. True to her character, Natalie Portman had lost the will to act. She spits out George Lucas’s terribly written dialogue with such irreverence that audiences were blessed with 30+ minutes of screentime of the most robotic performance in the film. Seriously, Portman gave R2-D2 a run for his money… Wait a second- is R2-D2 a dude? Can robots even have genders? Eh, who cares… moving on!
CGI instead of Practical Effects
One of the reasons the classic trilogy has aged so well is due to its use of practical effects. The Prequels on the other hand rely so heavily on CGI that they have swiftly become outdated. I for one love seeing the best possible CGI the late ’90’s and early ’00’s had to offer. It feels like I’m looking through a window in time- to a time where movies look like PlayStation 2 games.
There’s nothing quite like your hopes and dreams of one day become a Jedi if you only learned how to harness the powers of the force being crushed by the revelation that there is absolutely nothing Supernatural about the Force or being a Jedi. It is just a bunch of mutated cells which totally cheapens the religious undertones of the film. Because f**k you, I’m George Lucas… I do what I want.
You know him, you love him! Jar-Jar is one of the funniest characters to ever be introduced to the Star Wars universe. He brings out the child in me every time I watch these films. He’s loud and he’s obnoxious and he is one of the highlights of Episode I.
Now that I’ve gotten all the things I love out of the way, here are the worst things about these movies:
Seriously? What the hell were you thinking, Lucas??? McGregor was the worst possible choice for Obi-Wan Kenobi. Instead of trying to actually act, he tried to replicate Alec Guiness’s original portrayal of the character, while also bringing the Jedi to life in his own refreshing take… Like wtf???
John Williams’ Score
John Williams is a master of his craft, but I honestly don’t know what he was thinking when he wrote the score for the Prequels. It is seriously so unbearable. During some awkward love scenes between Anakin and Padme, when the viewer would rather focus on the forced chemistry between the actors, John Williams throws his stupid music in to kill the entire scene. Ugh, and don’t even get me started on Duel of the Fates. Who uses a friggin choir in their score? So amateurish.
Darth Maul is the stupidest villain in history. He doesn’t even talk. AND his lightsaber is so impractical. And that stupid fight scene between him and Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon… So dumb. Yeah, he’s pretty lame and not cool looking at all.
F*cking Samuel L. Jackson
F*ck Samuel L. Jackson! He didn’t even say any f*cking swear words. That stupid f*cking bald-headed mother-f*cker. He’s totally not even a f*cking badass. And his stupid f*cking purple lightsaber looks gay as f*ck.
That concludes my praise and criticisms of the Star Wars Prequels. Do you disagree with me? What are your favorite/least favorite moments in the new trilogy? Let me know in the comments.
DISCLAIMER! For those of you who are not familiar with sarcasm, the above statements are a joke and were, in actuality, very painful to write.
P.S. If you would like to see my views on anything specific, let me know in the comments and maybe I’ll write a blog about it.